Burning It All Down

In meditation this morning, there was no “I”. I was with my breath and/or heartbeat, experiencing them, without awareness that “I” was experiencing them until after that moment. Then, in retrospect, “I” was there. “Had been” there. But in the moment itself, there was no “I.”

I suspect that in any week where I have been journaling, doing my M.A.G.I.C. Ritual and so forth, AND having this “I-less” experience with regularity, if I measured my results in that week, they would be stellar. And more importantly, it would feel EFFORTLESS.

And this is a problem I’ve thought about over the last two weeks: what happens if you define yourself as a fighter? A fighter needs a fight. If you have been abused, bullied, discounted, you might well define yourself as someone too tough, too aggressive, to be conquered. And that is a fine temporary use of your emotions.

But what if you win? Unless you can switch modes, re-balance, you ‘ll just go looking for another fight…or even worse, make one right where you are. And that could be tragic. Just as “nice” people can make a fetish out of avoiding direct conflict, but can be counted upon to use all means at their disposals to avoid pain and gain pleasure…and therefore perfect indirect means of manipulating and controlling (guilt, social pressure, gaslighting, etc), “strong” people can make a fetish out of finding battles to win…whether that is the appropriate response or not.

I clearly remember a younger me seeking to be “nice” to avoid conflict, while using every tool in…