Does Kindness Require Dishonestly?

The Three Gates are a guide to behavior and action, and it is interesting to see how far people will go to avoid the implications. The standard and most “surface” negative response is something like a response I saw this morning:

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What if the three come into conflict?

Q: “Do I look fat?”

A1: “Yes.” (Honest and useful)

A2: “No.” (Kind)

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I think the Gates are best as the starting point for a discussion. So…let’s discuss. What do I think about this? How do I pick my way through this ethical mine-field?

1. It is a false dichotomy, because “yes” and “no” are not the only two answers. “Yes, but…” is still unkind, but you are at least softening the response. If you have rapport with them, you can say almost anything, but few people will let you connect with them if they know relating to you will give them more pain than pleasure.
2. If the person DOES need to adjust their behavior, what do we know about the reasons to do negative things like smoking, substance abuse in general, overeating, and so on? All behaviors are attempts to move AWAY from pain and TOWARD pleasure. Do you know this person? Will they laugh ruefully if you say “yes”? And interpret it as “Ow! Time to get back on track!” To THAT person, a simple “yes” or “unfortunately, yes” can work. But is it TRUE they will react that way? You say you don’t know? Then if is most USEFUL to assume that…