Fear and Suffering and Martial Arts
I had so much fear encoded in my body from bullying, racism, and a sense that I was too ugly and stupid for a man to want to be my father. It was awful, and one of the effects was that it took me SIX TIMES the average to earn my black belt. I had a morbid fear of sparring class, something that kicked in on one very specific day.
I’d already taken second place in the 1972 National Korean Karate championships, and felt pretty good. Then I went to that year’s Martial Arts Expo, and saw a demonstration of BKF Karate performed by Steve Muhammad. It was a mass attack defense, executed with such speed, clarity and precision that not only was it believable, but it was clear that the four attackers would have had very little chance. I assumed it was choreographed, but that didn’t matter: you cannot fake that level of skill. (Later, I learned that no, it wasn’t choreographed at all. The students were instructed to attack. Steve defended. Amazing)
What I saw broke my mind. The entire arena went NUTS. And I knew I had to study with this man. And I did. For the first months, all was well. I was attending class, working hard, sparring well. Then one day it all came apart. I walked into the school, and this 14 year old kid asked me to spar. I said “sure.” And…
He tore me apart. I couldn’t touch him. He was all over me. Never experienced anything like that, and afterwards he strutted around the school saying “I beat a MAN!” I was crushed.
He was the same ages as the bullies who had tormented me, and it felt as if I was a kid again, had learned nothing, and would NEVER learn anything. From that moment on I felt like a total fraud. Started missing classes. On sparring days my gut would clinch as if I’d drunk sour milk. I’d sit at the side of the class waiting to spar, feeling like I was going to pass out. Once I was chosen, I always performed well. I was GOOD. But it didn’t matter. In my mind, I was small, and weak, and slow, and they were going to hurt me, and mock me.
This led to DECADES of misery, before I met a man who taught me the way out of my emotional trap.
That’s another story. The important thing about this one is that I was not “hurt”. The kicks and punches didn’t hurt that much. Pain was just a flash of information. But what my mind did with ANTICIPATION was horrifying.
I was suffering. The PAIN was inevitable. But the SUFFERING was artificial, created by my own mind. By holding onto the past, and fearing the future. The answer is to “be here now”, to stay in the present moment. I was in the “present moment” during sparring. It was the WAITING for it that was killing me.
I was in the past, or the future, instead of NOW. In NOW there is all the power there is. And I had to humble myself and ask dozens of martial artists, therapists, hypnotists, coaches and others if they could help me. Kept asking and asking, no matter how humiliating it was. Why?
Because I knew that if I didn’t beat this, I would never be the kind of man I dreamed of being. One “admired by the men I admired, and desired by the women I desired.” I couldn’t. I’d be living with my brakes on. I HAD to solve it, or exist in a form of living death.
Twenty four years. If I could send a “message in a bottle” back to that younger man, to give him ONE advantage in life, it would be clustered around this single issue. I know just what I’d tell him:
“Young Steve, the fear you feel doesn’t mean you are weak, or cowardly, or lack capacity. It means your mind and body are preparing to deal with a challenge. You might just as well call it “excitement”. You lack CLARITY, not courage. You’ll get through this. But right now, here’s an exercise: spend ten minutes generating all the fear you can about the toughest, meanest opponent. Then beat on a heavy bag like you want to tear it to pieces, USING that fear. Keep going until you hit “second wind”. Do this once or twice a week, and in three months you’ll have it handled.”
Wow. If I’d known then how the body-mind works, how our beliefs can crush us, how PAIN IS INEVITABLE BUT SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL…
Life would have been so much better. I’ve put all this knowledge into FIREDANCE TAI CHI, but we also discuss it on our weekly Zoom at 12 noon Pacific on Saturdays. Join us at www.THEFIREDANCE.COM.
Namaste,
Steve
(Oh…and by the way, that fourteen year old who cleaned my clock? His name was Alvin Prouder, and Alvin went on to be world welterweight kickboxing champion in the PKA. I never had a chance! It was like trying a piano duel with Baby Mozart. Life has quite a sense of humor. I saw Alvin a few years ago at a BKF banquet, and while he didn’t remember me, I sure as @#$$ remembered him, and thanked him for the powerful life lesson. Had he not broken my ego, I might have strengthened its walls instead of building myself up from scratch. Might not have needed the tools I was pushed to discover and create. He never knew it…but that kid was one of my greatest life allies.)
###
Steven Barnes is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Firedance Recurring
Time: Saturdays at 12 noon Pacific
Join Zoom Meeting
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/82390513179?pwd=2KwPfNyolnupf45VPJC1lzQJLXujMS.1
Meeting ID: 823 9051 3179
Passcode: 597329
— -
One tap mobile
+16699009128,,82390513179#,,,,*597329# US (San Jose)
+16694449171,,82390513179#,,,,*597329# US
— -
Dial by your location
• +1 669 900 9128 US (San Jose)
• +1 669 444 9171 US
• +1 253 215 8782 US (Tacoma)
• +1 346 248 7799 US (Houston)
• +1 719 359 4580 US
• +1 253 205 0468 US
• +1 360 209 5623 US
• +1 386 347 5053 US
• +1 507 473 4847 US
• +1 564 217 2000 US
• +1 646 558 8656 US (New York)
• +1 646 931 3860 US
• +1 689 278 1000 US
• +1 301 715 8592 US (Washington DC)
• +1 305 224 1968 US
• +1 309 205 3325 US
• +1 312 626 6799 US (Chicago)
Meeting ID: 823 9051 3179
Passcode: 597329
Find your local number: https://us02web.zoom.us/u/kee4G22msH