Influence And the Three Gates

I recently had an exchange with a gentleman bemoaning his difficulty communicating with his “brainwashed” dad, and a wish to “get them back to reality.”

I don’t believe there are people whose minds “cannot be changed.” I believe that there are people who I don’t have the time, energy, or skill to help change. That said, what if you ARE willing to expend functionally endless time and energy? If it is a child, a spouse, a best friend, a relative, and you ARE willing to really dive in. What then? And what if your efforts need to be in alignment with the Three Gates: honest, kind, and effective?

1. Start with the assumption that everyone, and every living thing, tries to move away from pain toward pleasure, if they can see and believe a way to do this.
2. IF you accept that first principle, then believe that The Truth, if it exists, is like an accurate map. A false map might give you comfort (I’m almost out of the forest!) but ultimately gets you more deeply lost. The truth is always better. It is your surest way of moving away from pain toward pleasure.
3. If you accept that, then the lies your subject believes are rigidly held because they believe holding them makes them safer, decreases their pain. They reject what you are saying because they believe it puts them in greater danger, or decreases their pleasure. They aren’t stupid: they have a REASON to hold tightly. And if you have a deeper truth, a better way for them to feel less pain and more pleasure, IF THEY BELIEVE YOU, their behavior…