It All Starts With Honesty

In my experience, criminals do a rather disturbing thing if you gain rapport with them. They’ll say things like: “I killed him because he disrespected me. Hell, you would have done the same thing…”.

I can think of several reasons that could be driving this. There are probably more, but let’s start here.

1) Is it that they cannot imagine another way of being? (“It’s a jungle out there. Everyone knows it, but most people lie”)

2) Totally have contempt with other ways of being (and by extension then, are offering you respect)

3) Secretly respect that other way of being, but think themselves incapable of aspiring to it? Therefore, if they feel rapport with you, they assume (or hope!) that you are also incapable. You are outsiders looking in.

When someone says “I have to teach this idiot to respect people” without a hint of irony, they don’t’ realize that THEY ARE THE PROBLEM. Helping anyone to change demands building rapport with them. When I wanted Larry Niven to work with me all those years ago, I could have approached him with a lie and false flattery. But I operate from the assumption that on some level people KNOW. They can read your mind. This isn’t about “psychic powers” IMO. It is the fact that an honest person’s words, feelings, and actions all go in the same direction. They are CONGRUENT or COHERENT. And to the degree that you have experienced this, you can detect it in others, even if just meeting them. There are a thousand clues one can pick up, far more…