“Nice” is not “Kind”
Seven Days To Go.
It was surprising when people started saying that “nice” was also “weak.” Well, what about “kindness”? Kindness is compassion with boundaries. Ask: Does this honor dignity — yours and theirs?
- Prompt: Practice “kind truth”: Share something hard, but wrap it in care (e.g., “This is tough to say, but I trust us enough to be honest”). Then, say it the way you’d want someone to speak a hard truth to someone you loved, and toward whom you felt protective.
It is ALWAYS possible to be honest, kind, and effective. However, it is also true when it is incredibly hard, or even contrary to honorable goals. When, “for all practical purposes” we have only one choice.
There was a recent conversation in which someone (call them Peter). said that, in a given situation, X was the best choice that “Mary” had. Under deeper questioning, it turned out Y was actually the best choice from an objective position, but because Mary was emotionally damaged they could not imagine Y.
In other words, Peter was NOT speaking from “what is true?” but more “It is kind to enter the situation through Mary’s eye.”
If your uncle is drunk as a skunk, and insists on driving home. He has a terrible accident in which a child is killed. Was driving home the best choice? Was letting uncle have the keys the best choice? If not, why not? THEY thought it was the best thing. They FELT it was the right thing, and the enablers who gave him the keys were more concerned about his feelings than the objective fact that his judgement was impaired.
You might think Mary was right. That Peter was right. That Uncle and his enablers were right.
Or, you could take a stand, be honest and say “X is the truth, but Mary and Uncle cannot see it. What is the kind thing to do?” Depending on the subject, it might be kind to allow Mary to remain in her emotions until she’s ready to process. But uncle? HELL NO. He might be angry, sad, threatening, or guilt-tripping. BUT YOU DON’T GIVE HIM THE KEYS.
Think of the children, as it were.
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And the same thing is true for yourself. It is KIND to think of the future, as well as the moment. Yes, you have to live in the moment, but if you don’t consider future consequences, you cannot set the right values. If you don’t consider the past, you cannot determine if your current actions are useful.
All of this fits. If the ultimate goal is to escape suffering,, embrace joy, and be of service, then you MUST care about what is True, Kind, and Effective/Efficient.
Be kind. Be kind to Past You — he was doing the best he could. And be kind to Future You — your rituals today will determine where you will spend the rest of your life.
Kindness requires boundaries, or it is simply weakness.
Namaste
Steve