No, You Haven’t Tried “everything.”

When people say “I’ve tried everything” or “nothing works” try applying the Three Gates.

1. Is it TRUE? Have they literally tried EVERYTHING? I’m willing to make a bet: no, they haven’t. There could be infinite options (there usually are) but if you ask someone what they’ve tried, they’ll usually list fewer than a dozen things. Try it. So what they really mean is “I’ve tried everything I can think of/know of.” “I’ve tried everything that seems reasonable to me.” “I’ve tried everything I could with the energy/time/resources I had.” We’ve all been THERE. The important thing is not to lie to yourself. NO, you haven’t tried everything. But it might be time to quit anyway.
2. Is it KIND? Depends on your perspective. If you tell someone “do X, and you will get Y” and they have a deep belief they cannot or should not, they could easily fall into self-blame and self-contempt. On the other hand, if they need to get out of shark-infested water and you scream at them that they CAN, and they are spitting water, struggling, bleeding…but even though they are cursing you, get onto the dock to safety…were your words kind? lIt is an important question.
3. Is it USEFUL? Depends on your perspective. Is it kinder to tell someone there is hope, when ultimately they fail? Or to tell them there IS no hope, and later discover someone else kept going and succeeded? Because it is kinda hard to know the future (I’ve tried everything!) really, you have to make a choice. Which would you rather discover on your deathbed? That you…