QOD: “What comfortable lie am I telling myself about why I ‘can’t’?”
STORY PROMPT OF THE DAY:
What comfortable lie does my lead character tell himself about why he “can’t”?
ANSWER IN MY CURRENT PROJECT “SIGIL”. That forces outside himself determine his ability to succeed.
###
The problem is that there is some truth here: in a limited game with rules, he is forced down a narrow file of action. And with a SPECIFIC, NARROW, INFLEXIBLE goal (to be hired at 200k a year by Friday, for instance) it is perfectly reasonable to believe there barriers — but they are self-imposed. And he might ask himself whether, if his earlier choices had been different he just might have been ready to jump when and if the Gold Ring comes around again. (By the way, I know this “gold ring” image is related to early 20th century merry-go-rounds. But not if it still communicates what it once did: a perfect opportunity if you can grab it.)
So my lead character Adam (that name may change) has six weeks to get his shit together, or lose his family. Externally, that goal would be somewhere in the spectrum of healing his body, loving himself, and supporting his own ambition, expressing his brilliance. The woman he loves loves him, but has waited too long for him to stop lying to himself, stand up and be willing to fight for himself. (by the way, there are plenty of people in denial that both men and women need to have standards)
Adam’s excuses are all “reasonable”:
1) If he hadn’t been black
2) If he hadn’t been mixed with Asian
3) If he had had a father in the home.
4) If he’d only had “natural ability”
5) If his grandfather hadn’t resented him as a symbol of his mother’s poor judgement
6) If he hadn’t been so brilliant, in a world that punishes intelligence…
And so on. SIGIL is about a man who must either awaken to his true being, or lose everything he loves. And he has six weeks to do it.
The first step will be COMMITTING TO TAKE ACTION, even if he can’t see the middle section of the path: the end is health, love, and success.
But what he needs to realize is that his REAL goal is to
“Escape suffering, embrace joy, and be of service.” In this case suffering will be the endless repetition of patterns that have already proven ineffective. THAT WILL INCLUDE THE NATURE OF HIS GOALS. The goal was NOT to make money or have X body or Y relationship. Those were MEANS to his goals. Those goals ARE influenced, often strongly, by externals.
His goal, always, should have been to awaken his survival drive, and heal his heart. IF AND ONLY IF he has also triggered his survival drive, then there will be a tiger behind his eyes, constantly on the hunt for moves that will bring his desires, intents, and behaviors all into the same line. Most people will NOT look at this. And instead of asking “who am I? What do I really want?” and asking “Is it true that no one with fewer resources than me has ever done better? Is it true that “luck” was the deciding factor?” focus on all the things average people think about extraordinary success.
At the core will be some fear. And for a lot of under-achievers, its fear that if he ever actually gave it everything he has, and took full responsibility for his actions, emotions, and results, that IF HE STILL FAILED then it would utterly shatter his self-image.
As long as you can always say “they didn’t help. They were against me. They don’t appreciate me” you can keep your childish sense of Buddha Baby energy: “Earth Below, Heaven above, no one in the world like me!” alive without challenge
That works great when you are six years old, and get applause for playing “chopsticks” on the piano. But do you have the ability to handle the ego hurt when others learn “Jingle Bells” faster and better than you? Or do you bail at the exit door marked “talent”? To reinforce his sense of being special in an uncaring world, did he avoid the very hierarchical competition that would have forced him out of his fantasies and given him an accurate compass?
What he will need is for his existential PAIN and FEAR to be outweighed by his LOVE AND FAITH. His vision of a healthy fit body, a loving family, and a successful career have to be a DRIVING AMBITION.
He will have to wake up a part of himself that says “I don’t give a shit about my ego. I care about my commitment. I can survive failing, but I CANNOT survive not giving it everything I have.”
That will mean taking responsibility. And THAT means looking at everything he does daily and ask if it is really the behavior of someone who is committed to his dreams. DREAMS BECOME DESTINY when you align.
He needs MAGIC: A role model of possibility. A path of daily action, so that EVERY DAMNED DAY he gets feedback about whether he is That Bitch. Whether he is controlling his emotions, rather than letting them control him. Whether his goals are clear and have actionable steps. And whether his actions are in alignment with his being.
If your baby is hungry, the “rules” of the “game” break down, and you are faced with the actual PRINCIPLES that have evolved into various different but similar “game rules” around the world. But the basics are always the same: Survive. Protect your family. Find a way to integrate into your social structure for mutual benefit and welfare.
But SURVIVE and PROTECT are primary. Not money, status, education. If “escape suffering and embrace joy” are primary, then the poor man with a happy healthy family is VASTLY richer than a lonely rich man who dines alone. Sure, society will try to get you to believe the external goals are more important, but its YOUR responsibility to awaken from that nightmare of chasing Fool’s Gold, and begin to align with what is real.
Then, out of goals that are REAL, you find the ways to “play” for more and more toys. And you can do that, as long as you never forget what is REAL and what is just “the game.”
The Householder strategy: to be “in the world, but not OF the world.” This is a Black Belt level strategy, to be focused on the real while having fun with the shiny toys. I LOVE toys. But there is no toy in the world I would take in exchange for just one of Nickis smiles, Jason’s hugs, or Tananarive’s kisses.
I am worthy of these things, so long as I am in integrity to my path.
GET ALIGNED. INTERNAL BEFORE EXTERNAL. Which is hard, because as children, we are given the EXTERNAL structures of success explicitly, while the INTERNAL structures are more implicit. You are taught how to SURVIVE, not how to be happy and evolve. If you want happiness, but were not raised in a healthy, loving, and successful family, you will have to seek out wisdom on your own.
###
How does this relate to Adam? Well…he is a sloppy, childish (but brilliant), borderline functional wannabe with grand plans that get lost in a haze of pot smoke. His beloved sees his true self better than he does, and has hurt her own life trying to protect that connection (she has her own issues!)
But I’m not writing a slice-of-life story. SIGIL is about someone who has finally sickened of the taste of his own bullshit, and sees that if he doesn’t take the leap, he will lose EVERYTHING. And because I’ve manipulated the circumstances of his life, he actually has a potential path to transformation within an impossibly short time frame.
But it will cost him everything. I don’t even know if he’ll survive, I honestly don’t. But within the context of a martial arts/fantasy novel, he has found a path that contains not a scrap of bullshit, that asks him to connect with what is actually REAL in his life, or in existence, and that fire burns away all illusions. And in a fantasy novel, especially one with powerful horror overtones, the symbols of the ordinary human drive to burn through illusions can become spectacular. I won’t go into specifics.
###
Anyway, it is hoped that this little glimpse into how asking the right questions can take you into the heart of your process. If you ask these questions about your own work, some will hit harder than others. That’s always true.
But you are deeply engaging with a critical process. The conscious mind CANNOT understand all of this. But if you accept that and give yourself over to a path that is older than your egoic self, understanding that the path you are on DEMANDS the extinction of the egoic self unless that ego is actually protecting your true self. That thread will be broken by dishonesty, cruelty and delusion of efficiency.
“What comfortable lie am I telling myself about why I ‘can’t’?”
ALL ancient paths that have survived into the modern world contain true steps. The best advice is to go deeply enough into the one given you in childhood to internalize the basic social rules…then study others to see how THEY address those needs. Start seeking truth, regardless of the clothes that truth wears.
Walk the road. Remember that brilliant or sacred insights interpreted by normal minds ALWAYS become twisted by fear and lack of clarity, the tendency to chase easy and popular “Fool’s Gold” rather than digging in the quiet darkness, without applause and in spite of mockery, every single day remembering that YOU decide whether to be happy, and escape suffering by staying in the present moment.
I can tell you all the above without fear of you ripping me off, because it isn’t my specific plotting, it is asking what ALL human beings want, and the error they make trying to attain those desires. Look into my own life, and it is easy to find instances of this. Look into the lives of others, and you can see that as well.
Start with what you have actually experienced and observed, then exaggerate while remaining logically consistent (the spine) to protect the emotional truth (the spinal cord, so to speak).
Wow. That was a lot that came out of a single question. There are thirty-four of these questions, evolved in a very specific way according to some specific ancient patterns. I don’t even really understand their power yet, and these notes help me. Eventually I may compile them. We’ll see.
Memento Mori!
Steve
www.stevenbarneslist.com