“The Quiet Man” (1952) and “Toxic Masculinity”

Last night Jason came into our room and told him that a guy he knows has challenged him to a fight. A former friend. And he doesn’t want to fight, because despite the fact that he is a 6'2" football player who has fought countless times and has a hell of a rep, he feels that if he doesn’t fight, he will be considered a coward. He’s caught in the “fast gun” trap. He is the one to beat. He is increasingly afraid that he’s going to put someone in the hospital, and really, really doesn’t want this any more. But if he doesn’t…if he does…if he doesn’t…

It’s an ego trap. “Toxic Masculinity.” Why, sure. But we didn’t get here by ourselves, and anyone who tells you different is trying to score points, or lacks understanding.

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When Jason was six or so, he would beat the hell out of me every night. I’m telling you EVERY NIGHT he pounced, and loved nothing better than fighting and fighting and fighting, and one night, both delighted and exasperated, I asked: “why do you do that?”

He looked at me mystified. Surely, this was an elemental fact of life. “That’s how boys play” he said.

And it hit me like a hammer. That’s how boys play. It was true. It made sense in the animal kingdom — puppies and kittens just fight all the time. Females too, of course. But by the time you get to human beings, you don’t just have the biologically natural and normal urge to control space and express power, to practice hunting and defensive skills, but we are…