Waling The Last Mile With Mom

I received this note yesterday:

“Hey Steven. I don’t know if you remember, but i shared stage with you once in XXXX at a XXXX reading I believe in early XXXX. I’m writing you because I saw on a post you did a week or so back how you didn’t deny your mother’s love, even as she hurled obscenities at you because she was in cognitive decline. Recently, I’m noticing the same starting in my own mother, this coming on the tale of several physical ailments. The fact that she’s a stubborn and angry person isn’t helping, and as a result, I’ve been a walking ball of anxiety for several weeks. I would be most obliged for any advice or tidbits you might have for these times. Thank you in advance, Steven.”

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I can tell you WHY it rolled off, and then make some guesses about how I armored myself.

1) I knew that she was losing control of basic body functions. So I simply assumed she had as little control over mental and emotional functions as well. On one level, it meant as little as if she had vomited on my shoes. She couldn’t help it.

2) There are few reasons to be upset with what someone else says. The biggest is if you suspect they are correct. If you are a Martian, and someone calls you one, that may be upsetting if you are a spy from Mars. But if not…other than a vague sense of pity for the speaker, why are you upset?

3) Another reason to be upset is if you are afraid it is the genuine opinion of someone you care about. It can hurt to think…