“When Will I Stop Being Afraid?”

Twenty-five years ago I was teaching kid’s self-defense at Amara Charles’ “Wonder Camp” in Arizona. My co-teacher was a fine young black belt we’ll call Terrance. One day, we’d finished our instruction and Terrance and I sat at the back step of the exercise Yurt, and he became very quiet. I could sense that he had something important on his mind. And finally he spoke.

“Steve,” he said. “When will I stop being afraid?”

I sat there, stunned. He had all the physical skills, he presented himself with confidence. The kids loved him and the ladies stared when he walked past. Tall, handsome, and lean, you’d have thought he had everything. But his eyes were so wounded, his voice so filled with pain. I didn’t know what to say.

About eight months later, Terrance shot himself in the head.

I know, I know…none of us are responsible for someone else’s journey. And yet…and yet…

I wondered if things might have been different if I’d just had an answer for him. Maybe. Not my responsibility, but…

I swore I’d never be caught flat-footed by such a question again.

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I’ve been blessed to know a number of truly exceptional people in my life, who have shared with me the fruit of their journeys. Two of the most important were in the martial arts: Steve Muhammad and Dawn Callan. The Yang and the Yin of this arena.